But Then You

The commands "SIT DOWN!" "SHUT UP!" "BE QUIET!" "STOP TALKING!"
faded into incessantly being interrupted every time I opened my mouth
until finally the last stitch to seal the other corner of my lips was the simple impatient and disgusted eye roll from not just one important person in my life but many that brought me to being "Baby" stuck unimportantly silently in the corner not waiting for my turn to speak because I gave up on the hope of that time coming long ago.

But then you walk into the room

          just like many others before and after you

I speak after being spoken to like I have been trained to do; but my carefully cloaked identity peeks out of the hole in my sleeve in the form of my poetry and philosophy and you respond with words like "hot" and "tangy" smacking your lips with hunger making me feel like I am feeding you - no kissing you - by simply the way I choose my words and it makes me want to give you more

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA

          HOW DIFFERENT YOU ARE
                     
                    FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE

Beating My Head Against the Wall

I know it’s only a feeling; but DEAR GOD does it HAVE to be so strong and can’t it SHUT OFF for just
      ONE
               SECOND  ?

I have calculated all the reasons why I do.
I remember EVERY REASON why I shouldn’t; but...like a sleeping baby’s heartbeat...
IT BEATS THE SAME !
                           CONSISTENTLY !
                                                      PERSISTENTLY !
through it all.

But SO WHAT !? It’s just a feeling, right!? It’s just love.
And yet the ONE thing that keeps me strong, the ONE memory that came too late -
ONE HUGE THICK IMPENETRABLE WALL ALONE -

I WAS
           THE ONLY ONE
                                        THAT FELT THIS WAY !

Who is That?

There is this woman I know.
It’s not me, you see.
It’s this woman I know.

She has THE WORST luck with men!
Some would say her “men picker” is broken...
BUT...maybe...it’s just her...that’s broken.

The first one nearly literally killed her.
The second one nearly killed her soul.
The third one still hurts so bad that,
AT TIMES, she wishes she could die.

YET! She still lives! Like a Phoenix rising
up out of the ashes
Because the ashes...ARE WHERE SHE LIVES!
~FEARLESS~

It’s NOT ME, you see! It’s this woman I know!
You see, she use to hide in those ashes.
Now? I embrace them because I want
to see what they will make me.

There is this woman I want to know -
The good, the bad, AND THE UGLY.
It’s me, you see!
I AM the woman I want to know.

Shery R. Keel
July 2019

How Else Are They Going to Heal

Okay...so, look! For the most part, I am a strong intelligent independent beautiful woman; but I am beginning to believe that every super hero has a sort of "kryptonite". You know? That one thing that pulls you from the clouds by your cape and slams you debilitated on the sidewalk? Yeah, that kryptonite.

In order to even begin this blog, I have to reference my previous post "This is Closure". It doesn't take a rocket scientist to decipher that I am one of many other people that fall into the trap of going back to a dysfunctional ex. Let's be real, shall we! I basically have gone back to my ex much the same way as Barry the bee tries to bust through the window.

 "This time" from The Bee Movie

I would also like to point out that it was rather comical even to me when I came back to pound out these thoughts on my poor keyboard to discover that another previous post's title was "Quitting is Just Not My Style". So, yeah! You all probably were able to predict what was going to happen even before I went through it...again.

Therefore, I would like to take the time to tell anyone else (male or female, really) before you go back to an ex, DON'T! You can think about it; but just DON'T DO IT! The key here is to THINK about it. CRITICALLY THINK about it! Don't romanticize about it. BE REAL! If it was all so glorious, you would have never agreed to end it in the first place now would you!? However, when you do (as some of you, like me, will do) and WHEN (not if) it fails, LEARN from it. I can honestly say that in the...what was it... five times...oh, lord I've lost count (YES, I'M THICK! Reread the opening there, Judgey Wudgey)...anyway - in all the many times I flew back to "Mr. Psycho McLamedick" (names have been changed to protect the guilty) and was smashed on the pavement, I did learn something.

Let me explain. So, here I am sitting at work cowering in the middle of the aftermath of emotions that are flooding over me as is always the case when we break up. Finally, I get a moment when I think I am the only one in the office. Thinking the coast is clear, the pressure cooker inside me releases some steam. There go the flood gates! I do manage to cry somewhat quietly in case some one comes back in unexpectedly but if anyone was in the office, they could have heard me. After about 3 - 5 minutes of a good cry, I commence to blowing my nose (Ladies, I don't need to explain the details of what kind of a nose blow a good 3-5 minute cry will produce). That's when I hear someone walk by! DANG IT! How could I forget a co-worker was in my very small office you ask? Well, it's only because he's like a little mouse quiet and confined to his space most of the day (Gah! you people really are judgey.)! I quickly turn my back to the doorway of my office and attempt to clear up before he walks back by. FAILED!

Thankfully, he was kind, gracious, and professional. He asked if I was ok to which after some discourse I replied, "I just need to stop licking my wounds." Get ready for his mind blowing response! He said, "How else are they going to heal." Well, just like the scripture that says, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver..." (Proverbs 25:11) that response just melted into me and gilded to my soul. Immediately, a deep healing warmed over me and instantly gave me permission to be nice to myself. When a dog is wounded, he can be found licking the wound gently and incessantly to keep it from getting infected and to speed up the healing process. He's not biting or growling at himself. On the contrary! Rather, he snaps and growls at any potential threat that could keep him from healing or even hurt him further. Take this for whatever it's worth; but as for me I'm going to go find a dark safe corner to take care of myself until I'm ready to be approached again..."and that's ok".

This Is Closure

So, I’m curiously thinking that your Vegas Trip was with the new girl you found when you were last on POF just after we celebrated Father’s Day together. Maybe that’s why you changed your mind about taking me. Of course as hard as it is for you to keep your attention on anything, there could have been several women.

What’s funny is even if that’s not true, it wouldn’t have been the first time you have been shady while we were together. The last time we broke up was because of a message a brunette woman left me about being in your bed while I was at conference. The time before that was because of the inappropriate relationship you had (maybe even still have) with Tiffanie.

So, maybe YOU’VE been the unfaithful one from the very beginning and maybe THAT’S the real reason you never trusted me and was always checking my phone. You judged me so strictly because you knew your own behavior. You assumed that everyone acts like you when you think no one can see you.

You’ll never admit it, I know, because you can never admit that you do anything wrong. After all, you blame me for always running away but refuse to see how your gradual (but all too apparent) intolerance of me makes you aggressively and abrasively push me out the door when you’re done with me.

All I know is this, our mutual defense mechanisms made us completely incompatible; and for that I am so deeply sorry.

However, I now have enough information to finally be done with you. Regardless, thank you for being you because (while I am a slow learner), at least, I FINALLY learned. And when I come to the end of my life, if I am alone, it will be because I CHOOSE to be.

Your package is in the mail and after this message you will be completely removed from my phone and will never hear from me again. Yes, I did leave...AGAIN. However, I finally choose to believe that you pushing me away really does mean you don’t want me. So, I will never be coming back (not that you would ever ask me to).

I hope for your sake and all the women you encounter that you finally figure out what you want. I hope you can someday believe that you are NOT your father and that what he said about you was WRONG because that, my friend, is the only thing preventing you from having healthy “companionship”. I always loved you deeper, stronger, and more than anyone else in my life. I always will. Nothing will change that and...funny...THAT will change nothing.

Love Always,

Shery

I Wish

I wish I could tell you "I love you!".
I wish that was not considered wrong now.
I wish I could feel your arms wrapped around me and listen to your breath deepen as we fall asleep.
I wish we could laugh together and cook breakfast on Sunday mornings together again.
I wish for a lot of things; but most of all, I wish I didn't wish for any of these things and more.
Because all you ever wished is for me to go.

Quitting is Just Not My Style

My brother and I had a childhood relationship much like every other sibling relationship. Three years separate us. So as kids, we were close enough to have fun together but still far enough apart to annoy the piss out of each other. My childhood memories include my brother defending me against bullies; trekking through the woods exploring uncharted territories so long as we didn't go too far out of our back yard; losing money to him for various hair brained schemes he'd come up with; and getting the wind knocked out of me during football games.

The memory of playing football with my brother and his friends stands out because he would never allow anyone else to tackle me but him. I thought this would keep me safer from harm. However, experience proved he was harder on me than the others ever would have been. Looking back, I believe that his theory was if he hit me hard enough I would just quit. On one occasion, he pummeled me so hard that I didn't just bounce back to my feet. As a matter of fact, I remember it taking a bit of time just to catch my breath. I recall him standing over me when he said, "So, I suppose your going to quit now." in a sort of reverse psychological tone. At that age, though, I didn't know what psychology was let alone the reversal of it.

In a matter of seconds, I had a decision to make. Either I could quit and go find some dolls to play with, or continue on in a realm I had no business being in. No-one would have been anything but relieved had I, the only girl, spared myself the potential of broken bones and left a crowd of teenage boys on a football field. Regardless, I heard a tone in my brother's voice that made me believe he was afraid I was going to quit. So, hell no! I wasn't going to quit. If he could play on so could I. Filled with the notion that quitting was absurd, I didn't want to be considered weak or a failure.

Despite the fact that my skills were grossly inadequate for that situation, I didn't want anyone else to know that! Especially my brother. His opinion of me mattered. I wanted his acceptance. In that moment (as well as many others after) I emulated or mirrored him. Over the years, I have found that strong male figures who I admire and love have tremendous influence over me. Unfortunately, three specific men in my adult life have wreaked a lot of damage to my heart with varying degrees of severity. What's worse is I allowed it. Each time I [metaphorically] got the wind knocked out of me, I bounced back to my feet slower and slower.

Today, as I lay on my back counting the stars circling my head, I feel tempted to stay down here. Maybe I just need to catch my breath. No one would blame me. I think some expect it and others think I should just quit already.

Here's the thing, though. That's never been my style. My brother making that inquisitorial statement, "So I suppose you're going to quit now." wasn't what inspired me to bounce back to my feet. Yes, in that moment, he truly wanted me to quit and leave him and his friends alone - and rightfully so. But, my fear kept me going - fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of being inadequate and rejected. When given the opportunity, that fear manifested as pride. When given the option to fight or take flight, I chose then and still do to this day to fight every time. Maybe that inclination was put there by God. Regardless, this moment with my brother was the first time it manifested.

I'm still very much afraid of all of those things (i.e. failure, inadequacy, humiliation, rejection, etc.). However, ask any competitor who the most difficult opponent is and he/she will tell you it is the one that never quits. Nelson Mandela said, "I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." So, if Aristotle said, "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.", then I guess I must be brave.

...now if I could just get a little help off the ground. I'm not as young and spry as I use to be.