To open or close her eyes - it makes no difference.
Night gets darker with each blink.
Bracing and balancing against the wall or is it the floor?
Feet feel for support on the ceiling.
Progress is impossible on a circular path.
Is there an exit or just more mirrors?
Maybe when she falls asleep she will wake from this reality.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
I Wonder
Knowing that I am touchy and sensitive has never been much of a secret to anyone. What has been difficult is knowing how to balance the sensitive feminine side of me with the "she-devil" that appears when I feel mistreated, taken advantage of, or offended. In an earlier post, I made a commitment to becoming a survivor. In this process, I have encountered a perplexing dilemma. In an effort to endure some past scenarios, I traded my femininity for a rough and tough exterior. There was no depth to this veneer at all. It was only a facade to disguise who I really am as a means to protect myself from harm. This did not create emotional balance in me. It only served to throw all the weight to another side.
Suffice it to say, then, that it has not been easy shifting the weights appropriately. I am currently asking God for wisdom to know what I need to change or how to see things through His eyes because I am in such unfamiliar territory. I do not feel equipped to adequately assess my progress. For instance, a scenario recently at work involved a disagreement between myself and a co-worker regarding whether I could replace a picture in my office that had been there prior to my arrival (possibly before any one's arrival by the looks of it) with one of my own personal wall hangings. My co-worker seemed to protest my request passionately, causing me to react. A whole host of thoughts and emotions rose up in me - too many to type out. In short, I took it personally and therefore, became defensive. Despite my efforts to restrain my emotions, my face exposed (as usual) everything I was feeling. A disagreement ensued, which bothered me well into the next morning when I was further offended by my co-worker's seeming smug attitude, which made me feel like she was rubbing something in my face. Overall, I do not feel very successful in dealing with this situation appropriately and professionally.
You see, I understand that in life disagreements will happen. I understand that I cannot experience euphoria every second of every day. However, once the disagreement was addressed and seemingly resolved, I think there should have been a shut off switch that allowed me to let it go and move on. What is it about me that allows me to feel even the most trivial things so deeply? This sort of vulnerability and propensity is where I feel the greatest temptation to put on my rough and tough exterior again. Making such mountains out of molehills, especially when I see others glide through similar situations with the greatest of ease, is so frustrating to me. It makes me wonder if I should just make peace about it and stop negating or ignoring my emotions since they are mine and I have a "right" to them; but that thinking repulses me. On the other hand, I cannot help but sense that there is something I am missing - some metaphorical key that will unlock an invisible door to wonderful new insights and skills that will assist me in all my future confrontations. Does such a thing exist? I wonder...
Suffice it to say, then, that it has not been easy shifting the weights appropriately. I am currently asking God for wisdom to know what I need to change or how to see things through His eyes because I am in such unfamiliar territory. I do not feel equipped to adequately assess my progress. For instance, a scenario recently at work involved a disagreement between myself and a co-worker regarding whether I could replace a picture in my office that had been there prior to my arrival (possibly before any one's arrival by the looks of it) with one of my own personal wall hangings. My co-worker seemed to protest my request passionately, causing me to react. A whole host of thoughts and emotions rose up in me - too many to type out. In short, I took it personally and therefore, became defensive. Despite my efforts to restrain my emotions, my face exposed (as usual) everything I was feeling. A disagreement ensued, which bothered me well into the next morning when I was further offended by my co-worker's seeming smug attitude, which made me feel like she was rubbing something in my face. Overall, I do not feel very successful in dealing with this situation appropriately and professionally.
You see, I understand that in life disagreements will happen. I understand that I cannot experience euphoria every second of every day. However, once the disagreement was addressed and seemingly resolved, I think there should have been a shut off switch that allowed me to let it go and move on. What is it about me that allows me to feel even the most trivial things so deeply? This sort of vulnerability and propensity is where I feel the greatest temptation to put on my rough and tough exterior again. Making such mountains out of molehills, especially when I see others glide through similar situations with the greatest of ease, is so frustrating to me. It makes me wonder if I should just make peace about it and stop negating or ignoring my emotions since they are mine and I have a "right" to them; but that thinking repulses me. On the other hand, I cannot help but sense that there is something I am missing - some metaphorical key that will unlock an invisible door to wonderful new insights and skills that will assist me in all my future confrontations. Does such a thing exist? I wonder...
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Prayer List
Feeling compelled in my spirit, I have created a prayer list for the first time in my life. This is not to say that I have not prayed prior to now. I just mean that this is the first time I have actually made a point to document requests, pray for them, and track them. I am excited to see in black and white the results of prayer. I have heard others' experiences. Now, it's time to see them for myself.
So, if you have a request and would like to be added to my prayer list feel free to contact me by email, leave a comment here, or hit me up on Facebook. Each request will be completely confidential. I respect everyone's right to privacy especially over potentially sensitive issues. I would ask that as soon as you see something change regarding your request, even if it is seemingly negative, PLEASE let me know as soon as possible. My prayer list is meant to be a faith building tool as well as to learn how to enrich my prayer life. I really do believe that I will not be the only one to benefit from this experience, however.
For those of you who may wonder what my credentials are: I have none. I am walking through the same muddy spiritual battlefield as everyone else. This announcement is just an offer to have one more soldier lock arms with you till the war is over.
So, if you have a request and would like to be added to my prayer list feel free to contact me by email, leave a comment here, or hit me up on Facebook. Each request will be completely confidential. I respect everyone's right to privacy especially over potentially sensitive issues. I would ask that as soon as you see something change regarding your request, even if it is seemingly negative, PLEASE let me know as soon as possible. My prayer list is meant to be a faith building tool as well as to learn how to enrich my prayer life. I really do believe that I will not be the only one to benefit from this experience, however.
For those of you who may wonder what my credentials are: I have none. I am walking through the same muddy spiritual battlefield as everyone else. This announcement is just an offer to have one more soldier lock arms with you till the war is over.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Honesty Is Not Always the Comfortable Policy
Recently, a visit to the doctor's office revealed that I had lost 7lbs! I was very excited since prior to this I have had a tremendous difficulty losing weight. If I did lose anything it would be 5lbs only to gain it right back. So, the extra 2 lbs that somehow disappeared gave me great hope that I had broken a mysterious cycle.
I thought it a mystery because of denial. No, I am not talking about the river in Egypt. You know denial - it is the package of lies we tell ourselves hoping to escape some sort of truth we are just not quite ready to face yet. My inescapable truth was appetite and lack of activity has been the real cause of stubborn high scale numbers. However, I am now ready to face the truth. In order to see those numbers drop, feel a difference in the way my clothes fit, and feel better about myself, I MUST admit that I can no longer eat anything I want. I NEED to realize that sitting on the couch will not give me any more energy than what I have; but, in fact, it will suck even more life out of me.
My goal right now is to keep the magnetic 7lbs from clinging right back to me. If I can accomplish this, maybe I can move on to another 7lb decrease. I am taking it one baby step at a time. My greatest hurdle is the seeming disconnect between the fleshy apron that jiggles at my midsection and the verbiage such as fat, cellulite, pounds, excess food, insufficient exercise, etc. It is as if those horrible adjectives and nouns are so egregious they cannot possibly be real. Therefore the legitimate cause my thighs act as flint and chaff for a boy scout trying to start a fire for the first time must still be a mystery. Do I smell smoke? Those ugly words need to come out of ambiguity and race into reality as tangible objects that can be controlled.
How can fat, cellulite, pounds, cottage cheese butts, fire starting thighs, and jiggly midsections be controlled? This, my friends, is the million dollar question. Millions of people spend millions of dollars on gimmicks to lose weight which include cosmetic surgeries. However, let me just answer this valuable question for free. Most already know the answer. Some could have medical issues preventing them from being the size they want to be. Others are completely content with the size they are; but for me the answer is DENIAL! It's okay, though. Everybody has been in denial about something at least once in their lifetime. We all have a right to come to our truths in our own time. The fact still remains, however, that if I do not want my butt to look like I eat McDonald's burgers and fries, I cannot EAT McDonald's burgers and fries ALL the time. When I succumb to the temporary theme song, "I'm Lovin' It!", I HAVE to remind myself the regret that will come in like a wave once my justification and craving wears off. If I want to prevent starting forest fires with my thighs, I must increase my activity. My legs can and do move quicker than I thought they could. I must test this theory on a consistent and regular basis to see the real benefits; but this is more than a theory. It is a fact. I save loads of money off my grocery bill when I stop overeating. It's amazing how little food I can get away with eating and still be satisfied compared to what I normally stuff into my body. I increase the amount of free time I have when I spend less time bellied up to a buffet bar. This time could be spent playing with my kids or getting involved in more productive hobbies.
I know this is a touchy subject. So, calm down. For those not ready to face this truth yet, just book mark this blog and come back to it when you are. This is not coming from a skinny beautiful stick figure. I openly admit that I am a short robust beautiful stump. This blog is meant only to reveal the truth I have come to know. This is not a judgment or command for others to be skinny. I agree with those who think the media puts too much pressure on ladies to look like Twiggy or Kate Moss, which I view as grotesque anyway.
The real moral of this story is that there is a great amount of confidence and satisfaction that comes from being healthy for all the right reasons. I can deprive myself of excess or unhealthy fats and sugars and not only do I experience positive changes in my appearance; but I also feel better physically. Amazingly still, my inner spirit feels tremendous benefits when I am true to and discipline myself. I feel emotionally healthy. If anyone gleans anything from this blog I hope it is encouragement to look within and see if there is any untruth lurking in a dark barricaded sacred corner regarding any uncomfortable topic. Why? Shakespeare said it best, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Basically, you cannot even start to be honest to anyone else until you are first honest with yourself. I wish you all grace, peace, and freedom in your endeavors to discover your own truths.
I thought it a mystery because of denial. No, I am not talking about the river in Egypt. You know denial - it is the package of lies we tell ourselves hoping to escape some sort of truth we are just not quite ready to face yet. My inescapable truth was appetite and lack of activity has been the real cause of stubborn high scale numbers. However, I am now ready to face the truth. In order to see those numbers drop, feel a difference in the way my clothes fit, and feel better about myself, I MUST admit that I can no longer eat anything I want. I NEED to realize that sitting on the couch will not give me any more energy than what I have; but, in fact, it will suck even more life out of me.
My goal right now is to keep the magnetic 7lbs from clinging right back to me. If I can accomplish this, maybe I can move on to another 7lb decrease. I am taking it one baby step at a time. My greatest hurdle is the seeming disconnect between the fleshy apron that jiggles at my midsection and the verbiage such as fat, cellulite, pounds, excess food, insufficient exercise, etc. It is as if those horrible adjectives and nouns are so egregious they cannot possibly be real. Therefore the legitimate cause my thighs act as flint and chaff for a boy scout trying to start a fire for the first time must still be a mystery. Do I smell smoke? Those ugly words need to come out of ambiguity and race into reality as tangible objects that can be controlled.
How can fat, cellulite, pounds, cottage cheese butts, fire starting thighs, and jiggly midsections be controlled? This, my friends, is the million dollar question. Millions of people spend millions of dollars on gimmicks to lose weight which include cosmetic surgeries. However, let me just answer this valuable question for free. Most already know the answer. Some could have medical issues preventing them from being the size they want to be. Others are completely content with the size they are; but for me the answer is DENIAL! It's okay, though. Everybody has been in denial about something at least once in their lifetime. We all have a right to come to our truths in our own time. The fact still remains, however, that if I do not want my butt to look like I eat McDonald's burgers and fries, I cannot EAT McDonald's burgers and fries ALL the time. When I succumb to the temporary theme song, "I'm Lovin' It!", I HAVE to remind myself the regret that will come in like a wave once my justification and craving wears off. If I want to prevent starting forest fires with my thighs, I must increase my activity. My legs can and do move quicker than I thought they could. I must test this theory on a consistent and regular basis to see the real benefits; but this is more than a theory. It is a fact. I save loads of money off my grocery bill when I stop overeating. It's amazing how little food I can get away with eating and still be satisfied compared to what I normally stuff into my body. I increase the amount of free time I have when I spend less time bellied up to a buffet bar. This time could be spent playing with my kids or getting involved in more productive hobbies.
I know this is a touchy subject. So, calm down. For those not ready to face this truth yet, just book mark this blog and come back to it when you are. This is not coming from a skinny beautiful stick figure. I openly admit that I am a short robust beautiful stump. This blog is meant only to reveal the truth I have come to know. This is not a judgment or command for others to be skinny. I agree with those who think the media puts too much pressure on ladies to look like Twiggy or Kate Moss, which I view as grotesque anyway.
The real moral of this story is that there is a great amount of confidence and satisfaction that comes from being healthy for all the right reasons. I can deprive myself of excess or unhealthy fats and sugars and not only do I experience positive changes in my appearance; but I also feel better physically. Amazingly still, my inner spirit feels tremendous benefits when I am true to and discipline myself. I feel emotionally healthy. If anyone gleans anything from this blog I hope it is encouragement to look within and see if there is any untruth lurking in a dark barricaded sacred corner regarding any uncomfortable topic. Why? Shakespeare said it best, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Basically, you cannot even start to be honest to anyone else until you are first honest with yourself. I wish you all grace, peace, and freedom in your endeavors to discover your own truths.
Monday, May 2, 2011
One Two Punch
Well, I barely could gather my thoughts regarding the death of the prominent religious figure, David Wilkerson, when reports came in about the death of Osama Bin Ladin. So, now to wade through all of the far reaching impacts and meaning behind both men.
First, David Wilkerson, is an icon of peace, tolerance, and second chances. He was the author of Cross and the Switchblade known for his radical work with gang members and street preaching. Eventually, he founded Teen Challenge providing a safe haven and refuge from drug addictions with this program steeped in faith and the delivering power of God. Pastor of Times Square Church, David Wilkerson delivered what some would describe as prophetic sermons while effecting his community by helping the homeless. For him to pass as a result of a car accident, it was to me as if someone punched me in the stomach. My thoughts were, "How could this happen? and Why so tragically?" Car accidents are not the way noble creatures are suppose to pass from this world to the next, in my opinion. Nonetheless, that is exactly what happened and my thoughts were and are the world will experience a great void from his absence.
Before I could even catch my breath, the second punch came this morning with the notification that US Forces had found, executed, and buried at sea Osama Bin Laden. Despite the fact that (in my opinion) Osama is in a completely different category of man than David Wilkerson, I found myself hesitant to be as jubilant as others. I know the man was responsible for the torture and deaths of numerous souls. I have not forgotten what happened on September 11, 2001 at his command. However, I cannot find it in myself to celebrate since I know as many others do that this is neither a cure all nor the end of the violence. We as an American people should not be naive to think that there is not someone just as passionate about the cause as what Bin Ladin was; and possibly even more so now that he has been "martyred" in his followers' eyes.
I can find it easier to breathe, however, when I look at it in the sense of a balancing of the scales. The world felt the void of a righteous man's passing; but we can be somewhat relieved that a bit of evil was overcome. Call it the duality in me; but it makes it easier to recover from this "one two punch".
First, David Wilkerson, is an icon of peace, tolerance, and second chances. He was the author of Cross and the Switchblade known for his radical work with gang members and street preaching. Eventually, he founded Teen Challenge providing a safe haven and refuge from drug addictions with this program steeped in faith and the delivering power of God. Pastor of Times Square Church, David Wilkerson delivered what some would describe as prophetic sermons while effecting his community by helping the homeless. For him to pass as a result of a car accident, it was to me as if someone punched me in the stomach. My thoughts were, "How could this happen? and Why so tragically?" Car accidents are not the way noble creatures are suppose to pass from this world to the next, in my opinion. Nonetheless, that is exactly what happened and my thoughts were and are the world will experience a great void from his absence.
Before I could even catch my breath, the second punch came this morning with the notification that US Forces had found, executed, and buried at sea Osama Bin Laden. Despite the fact that (in my opinion) Osama is in a completely different category of man than David Wilkerson, I found myself hesitant to be as jubilant as others. I know the man was responsible for the torture and deaths of numerous souls. I have not forgotten what happened on September 11, 2001 at his command. However, I cannot find it in myself to celebrate since I know as many others do that this is neither a cure all nor the end of the violence. We as an American people should not be naive to think that there is not someone just as passionate about the cause as what Bin Ladin was; and possibly even more so now that he has been "martyred" in his followers' eyes.
I can find it easier to breathe, however, when I look at it in the sense of a balancing of the scales. The world felt the void of a righteous man's passing; but we can be somewhat relieved that a bit of evil was overcome. Call it the duality in me; but it makes it easier to recover from this "one two punch".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)