Knowing that I am touchy and sensitive has never been much of a secret to anyone. What has been difficult is knowing how to balance the sensitive feminine side of me with the "she-devil" that appears when I feel mistreated, taken advantage of, or offended. In an earlier post, I made a commitment to becoming a survivor. In this process, I have encountered a perplexing dilemma. In an effort to endure some past scenarios, I traded my femininity for a rough and tough exterior. There was no depth to this veneer at all. It was only a facade to disguise who I really am as a means to protect myself from harm. This did not create emotional balance in me. It only served to throw all the weight to another side.
Suffice it to say, then, that it has not been easy shifting the weights appropriately. I am currently asking God for wisdom to know what I need to change or how to see things through His eyes because I am in such unfamiliar territory. I do not feel equipped to adequately assess my progress. For instance, a scenario recently at work involved a disagreement between myself and a co-worker regarding whether I could replace a picture in my office that had been there prior to my arrival (possibly before any one's arrival by the looks of it) with one of my own personal wall hangings. My co-worker seemed to protest my request passionately, causing me to react. A whole host of thoughts and emotions rose up in me - too many to type out. In short, I took it personally and therefore, became defensive. Despite my efforts to restrain my emotions, my face exposed (as usual) everything I was feeling. A disagreement ensued, which bothered me well into the next morning when I was further offended by my co-worker's seeming smug attitude, which made me feel like she was rubbing something in my face. Overall, I do not feel very successful in dealing with this situation appropriately and professionally.
You see, I understand that in life disagreements will happen. I understand that I cannot experience euphoria every second of every day. However, once the disagreement was addressed and seemingly resolved, I think there should have been a shut off switch that allowed me to let it go and move on. What is it about me that allows me to feel even the most trivial things so deeply? This sort of vulnerability and propensity is where I feel the greatest temptation to put on my rough and tough exterior again. Making such mountains out of molehills, especially when I see others glide through similar situations with the greatest of ease, is so frustrating to me. It makes me wonder if I should just make peace about it and stop negating or ignoring my emotions since they are mine and I have a "right" to them; but that thinking repulses me. On the other hand, I cannot help but sense that there is something I am missing - some metaphorical key that will unlock an invisible door to wonderful new insights and skills that will assist me in all my future confrontations. Does such a thing exist? I wonder...
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